twinkle twinkle little star...
take me with you, in a world so far...
where me and mommy, live forever...
with tears and pain, touch us never!

Bhai's Gaga Over Shaadi's Saga

So many people ask me, hows married life.. here's an attempt to answer them!!

यहाँ का माहौल बहुत जुदा-जुदा है,

आखिर अब भाई शादी-शुदा है..!!

 

अब तो सुबह अपनी मेहनत से शुरू होती है,

क्या फरक पड़ता है, अगर दुनिया तब सोती है,

देर से उठने के नियम को अपना अलविदा है,

आखिर अब भाई शादी-शुदा है..!!

पति के नाम पे अंग्रेजो के ज़माने का जेलर पाया है,

माँ का प्यार क्या होता है, अब समझ में आया है,

अब तो अपने हाल का मालिक खाली खुदा है,

आखिर अब भाई शादी-शुदा है..!! 

एक वो दिन थे जब भाई कुंवारा था,

 सुबह से रात तक दोस्तों का फ़ोन गंवारा था,

अब रात के दस बजे भाई की दोस्तों को बिदा है,

आखिर अब भाई शादी-शुदा है..!!

लाइफ पार्टनर भाई का एक दम कुटी (cutie ) पायी है,

पर मूड फिसलने का चांस बिडू का बहुत हाई है,

पर फिर भी दिल अपुन का उसपे फुल्टू फ़िदा है,

आखिर अब भाई शादी-शुदा है..!!

The Bengali Saga

There are certain cities I so much want to see at least once in my life time. Although I haven't travelled any extensively so there's a lot of nice places skipping my limited knowledge, but with whatever I have.. I really want to go to Calcutta once. I don't know what fascinates me there, whenever I see the pictures of that slow moving, densely populated city... May be mysterious Bongs. Yeah, I had quite many Bengali friends during my college and job days; and I must say the girls were mysteriously attractive. They have this ability to make you think about them, every time you look at them and I suppose it is exactly what the pictures of Calcutta do to me.

I like cities with a rich cultural heritage and a language of their own. Metros need to have exclusivity. Just like Mumbai, Delhi, and Chennai.... the aura of Calcutta seems difficult to be duplicated. Must say that my first encounter to this lazy city was through some Satyajit Ray movies... followed by endless google search for Kolkata pics. And yes, the other reason for this special affection is Sri Rabindranath Tagore. A city must be lucky to be adorned by such a maestro, who shares his birthday with me. But that's not all... the wide, enchanting, dirty, huge, chaotically silent Hooghly, or the Howrah Bridge or the stories of East India Company or the Victoria Memorial or the red-raided political jungle or the Trams or the erstwhile yellow taxis or Dakshineshwar Kali temple and Swami Vivekanand or Rashogulla, Sandesh & Mishti Dhoi or the Park Street or the soulful Durga Pooja or the Bengali literature or Mohun Bagan or females with golden white saari and red border and those mesmerising Bengali eyes that can cease anyone's attention if they like or the IIM-Calcutta or Mother Theresa... Gosh.. there's so much still left and all of it is too fascinating!! You tell me one city that has such varied marvels and interestingly all painted in one colour - Bengalism!! Probably, this makes Calcutta so distinct. I guess, probably Chennai might put some competition in this particular kind of unity in diversity, since Mumbai and Delhi, though distinctly unique in their own ways, are more fancifully coloured in different cultures.

Also, the dominance of females over males makes Calcutta, stand apart. However, I have never been to that place and the sample size of my observation was too minuscule to read the general behaviour of an entire race.. but as what told to me by my Bong friends, Calcutta is the city, where women rock!!!! They are the decision makers and managers and the evaluators. Might be, the credit goes to the beautiful eyes, silky hair and the sweet Bengali accent that these vernacular ladies are blessed with. After all, men could not be strong enough to let go the magical impact of such seductions... and on the top of that, the brains they have could match the IQ, smartness and at times knavishness of any race, worldwide. I really have admiration for Bengali women, again for these very vividly present but exclusive to them attributes. At the same time, most of the Bengali guys I have met till date were quite simple and recessive in nature.. laid back at times... much to what I guess from the pace of this crowded city.

Anyway, lets see when I get the chance to see this wonderful city and make opinions about it on the first hand basis... and I want to go there, during the Durga Pooja time.. people say Bengal goes insane at that time... and I want to make myself a part of that insanity for a while!

Never got enough of it...

There are several things in life, you do to your soul's satisfaction and still you pant for more. Life looks incomplete if you are not able to cater to those hyperactive glands that keep secreting some particular desirous juices at an unbeatable rate. For me the list for such things start from eating gol-gappe to writing something every single day. I don't really remember, since when I am writing. The oldest I could recall is a piece of story that I had written during a lecture on moral-science by Father Lucas, when I was in class 6. That story was about two brothers, Father was referring to the phenomenon of 'that goes around comes around'. I had written something opposite to what he was teaching rather preaching and then just left that piece as it is. The diary writing formally began in class 8th, when my Hindi teacher, Tiwari Ma'am encouraged the class to start penning down our thoughts. Very few people actually did that... but I am so very thankful to her for making me keep a diary. I once showed that diary to her, since at that age you do not have many unsharable secrets and she admired me so much that soon that likeness towards daily diary reporting changed into perpetual thirst for writing this and that and every thought that crosses my mind.. I would not say that in all these years I have evolved as a wonderful writer, who has command over the seldom used vocabulary.. but yes I do have evolved as an honest writer. Lot of times, when I read my stuff I feel amazed at the amount of honesty displayed in the words.. they appear so direct from heart... and this honesty is that one thing I strive hard to keep undiluted. Though, sometimes articles with heavily loaded jargon do amuse me and I feel this sudden urge to write something that could establish myself as a writer with extremely good command over a language.. I try also, but neither it comes out that well.. nor do I like the output.

Now with the urge of writing.. comes another very serious desire.. the desire to get read. I have never met a single writer, who did not want to be read. People accept this to various degrees.. everyone who writes well, someday wants to write a book and who wants to write a book that couldn't sell! However, writing books needs a much more organised and prepared mind. Its easier to come up with a compilation of self-written short stories than to a long novel based on one single theme. It needs idea, focus and a plan... much like starting a new venture. In that sense, every writer becomes a kind of entrepreneur. For those intimidated by the tediousness in process, blogs come as rescue. For people like me blogoville is a separate world, where I make relations, share emotions, develop dreams and admire the beauty of being alive. There's so much in this world to be seen, felt and admired. Blogs work as quite effective teasers for the real world. And why only blogs... even twitter is not that bad.. anything that helps you vent out thoughts via words is wonderful.. and if it is small it could be handled by more people.

I am often asked why do you have to write this or that on your blog. I understand everything is not there to be displayed, especially when it is revealing more about others. Its a serious problem for whoever writes personal posts on a regular basis. If the content is not subject specific it will get personal at some point of time. You can't stop it.. it happens on its own and many a times you don't even realise this. I know people do things like reprimanding their Exs on their private space, which is childish.. it shouldn't be done.. however I too had done things like these, but long ago. Continuous learning is the key. These outbursts and complaints tell us we need to keep more check-points, but only till it doesn't start hampering the soul behind your purpose. After all, you bear the professional hazards of people around you and they need to bear yours. You cannot stop your husband from attending a night-emergency if he's a doctor, even if the best thing you want from him at that time is his arm around your shoulder. Similarly, your wife could not sacrifice her career and stop giving 5-days a week to her office, if your long distant aunty has decided to come and stay with you for a month. We pay for being together and disclosure of certain private opinions, however in manageable limits, on your near and dear ones' blog is a similar sacrifice.

I guess in every thing that needs your heart and soul to get delivered, you can't stop emotions from playing the role. And the concern regarding the privacy of stuff becomes important since it makes you vulnerable. You could be cautious and adopt certain anonymity. The characters on the blog might directly and intentionally correlate with those from your real life, but they should not reveal the true identity. How does it matter, if the real Anna is called Anu on your blog? May be it could save both of you from hassles. And yeas, in every moment that you write.. you need to keep reminding yourself that definitely this piece would be read by some people, you do not want it to be read. Its all about adding more check-points and knowing when to stop that.

Marriage warriage and all...

Kate and William's wedding was lovely to see.. less for the content, more for the hype. Honestly, I dint like the bride so much as claimed to be by the media.. but then all brides are beautiful, aren't they.. and similarly all marriages are wonderful, right! Perhaps because they all give you a feeling of love, happiness, gifts and delicacies.

Ages innumerable, people are tying knots.. those who do not, have some very very specific reasons behind them, which are generally sad.. even Abdul Kalam and Ratan Tata wanted to get married and tried that a couple of times. Such is the charm of marriage.. everyone wants to get married except of those who hate to have carnal desires. Generations after generations, people lose their freedom and liberty to the hands of marriage, largely hate their spouses for a considerable time of their matrimony, bear so many responsibilities, get heart broken... and other sadistic blah blah blah.. but the desire to get married at least once in the lifetime remains as it is. I guess, the beauty of matrimony is the biggest mirage the entire humankind is encountering and albeit numberless eye openers have proved that its not all rosy ... the charm always seem to capture your senses and entice your heart, mind and soul. May be something like having a baby.. you know its going to be painful and tearsome and highly responsible, but still you want at least one child in your life.. and after you have done (read sacrificed) all of your personal life and pleasures for your little angel, you don't even regret.. it feels worth everything! Amazing... man is an emotional animal.

Anyway.. I guess all in all marriage is a good thing and worth a try and may be this positive, though temporary, emotion is a very serious kind of entropy, which once created not only becomes terribly permanent but infectious also. Hence, even though married people complain more and compliment less, they still silently encourage the remaining ones to taste something that looks like delicious wine, tastes like the blood of Satan... but when honestly lived through, works like ambrosia.

So.. to the world... lets get married!!

At the twilight

For some reasons, I find old couples very very adorable. Just the site of them still holding each other's hand comes at par to any dove pair in an archies gallery. And why do I find them so fascinating? Well... for several reasons - for me, they show that love actually exists, else why would they have spend so many years together and still stand with each other.. even if the faces are all wrinkles and waist size has gone out of proportion and the scalp is bald and the skin of palm has become so dry that it doesn't even hold the sensation any more.. but still, the hands are intertwined together. What else could it be, if not love?

After all, they too would have faced those periodic cycles, when the face of the person sleeping beside you sometimes appears to the most lovable and sometimes the most miserable. And they too would have lived up to those moments when one of them feels that you are not genuinely loved or understood or respected.. when the wives would have caught their husbands drooling over someother lady... or when the husbands would have felt that so much time has spent but this lady never understood his true self. They too would have faced all of it.. but the best part is they lived through it!

Its not that all elderly couples excite me... especially, when you are an Indian... it doesn't even more so. Since, we do not believe in breaking marriages even if somewhere we strongly believe that the person we are with is not the one, we should be with. Still. families, society and largely our own self keeps pulling ourselves away from the thought of separation... and you keep telling yourself that everyone is good, you just need to adjust. And eventually, the two people get so much used to of each other's presence that things become manageable. But I would not call it love... because in loads and loads of these couples, I do not see that spark I was talking about in the beginning of this post.

Wives generally get busy with the upbringing of kids and husbands get busy with the arrangement of resources for the family. The two become three-four-five etc etc and the life becomes a journey of accomplishing responsibilities. I am not talking about those elderly couples, who did not even realise the charm of getting old together. The ones, who take separate rooms and separate beds and separate ways to keep themselves busy after they are 45 or 50. The ones, who are always indulged in the competition of proving who's been a better spouse or who should have been given more credit of running their still ongoing married life.

I am talking about the ones, who even at the twilight of their lives share some giggles and jokes and pull each other's legs. Where the wives are never too old to be complimented about their beauty and the husbands are never too sober to be decked up well, when the two go out for an evening walk. The couples, who still want to spend time together alone.. and who do not shy away in telling each other how their life is incomplete without their counterpart... the couples with grey hair but red heart...the couples, who could not go to bed without each other... irrespective of just anything in the world.

May be my imagination is too flowery.. but I am sure, there will be such people.. even if they could be counted on fingertips. There will be people who succeed in saving their lives from getting sacrificed in the daily boredom... who never get enough of each other's company... who still relish each other's touch and who irrespective of what their age is or how many years they have been together.. still feel fresh and rejuvenated with the sight or the voice of their husband or the wife.

Emptiness has many meanings, sometimes, it is not having what is supposed to be there.. sometimes, it is not knowing what is required and sometimes its just not knowing what you should do with what you have. Its amazing to see the oscillating degree of emptiness for every quantimizable item in life. Some people are always empty in their mind... it really doesnt matter how many opportunities and chances life has offered them... they remain empty handed, empty minded! If excellence drives human kind... pathetism devours it and perpetual emptiness does it scornfully. Btw, I am not sure if pathetism is a word.. but it captures the essence apt and why I am sounding so distasteful is perhaps because I am watching too many movies about ghosts, wizards and supernatural powers filthy filled with superbly ugly looking characters and consequently, the simple idea of being 'without-any-work-that-satisfies-my-brain' has been turned into a philosophical thought filled with expression of hatred in British English. God knows if I am making any sense.

You know what! If the world doesn't give you employment what should you do? "Create your own company and work for yourself", a Steve Jobs or a Bill Gates or a Gujju or a Marwadi might say this.. but not me, of course! I would still be sitting hopelessly crying over adverse situations, waiting for some goddamn company to lift me up from a pool of lakhs of candidates in the world; and mind it, it is not my first job that I witness such state of helplessness, it is probably 5th or the 6th one. Some people see a lot of world.. but just don't apply the learnings in their own life.

Whatever! It's not all bad also... I should stop feeling bad about myself and think about good things happening around.. especially when D is sleeping peacefully after handing me over his most prized possession, his first love, his life line, his laptop. Proves that he has developed some trust on me. Otherwise, earlier whenever I am in 3 metres radius of his laptop, one of his eyes would always watch my actions, straight or diagonally. And yes I should feel happy about celebrating Navratri and Ram Janm in my house for the first time after marriage... making so many things for prasad... eating delicious Maggie made by D and... for some unknown things which you could not acknowledge but feel happy about them.

Ciao!

Dusting a bit

Coming home has always been a moment of nostalgia. The same room brings everything back to you, whenever you look at those empty walls in the time of silence. Suddenly, it reminds you of yourself. We do not forget ourselves, but the changing times often make those memories hide below the layers of dust and when they come back, they look like strangers.

Every moment spent in this room tells me what a fighter I have been. The never-say die attitude and the potential to convince anyone for anything. Adversity truly brings the best out of mankind. Today I see that my life is much easier to what it was, and I find myself weaker to what I was. Now, I get convinced very easily, settle for mediocre options and my self-belief is giving up before what other opine about me. But today, this room tells me that I could not change so easily, because people's basic nature doesn’t change so easily and that is the reason of conflict I find within myself. Yes! There is always a conflict going inside me… regarding what I want to do and how, whereas, long time back I had found what I wanted to do and had already started working for it. And then my efforts got derailed and I just forgot from where to pull them back.

I must say, there’s a huge price for not trying to get your dreams. It’s better to have no dreams at all, than not making efforts to realize the one you have. Today, when I am sitting in this room, I could feel those old vibes flowing inside me. That is what your surroundings do to you. Now my next step has to be to create this set-up in my new abode, because these vibes are my driving forces and the reason to keep me on the track.

L.O.V.E.

Saw three romantic movies today - Forrest Gump, Letters to Juliet, and Elegy!! Its wonderful to see, how a single emotion of love could be expanded in endless forms. From discovering it, never getting it, hurting it, losing it, yearning for it, finding it, getting it back and then forgetting about it. Although, after seeing the reality of emotions from pretty close, I know that this phenomenon exists only in the world of drama. But at certain times, you want to behave like a teenager, even if that it stupid, and want to believe that yes there are instances when people cross all barriers and constraints to realise something that is called love... sometimes, you do want drama in life and you want loads of it!

'Love' of course is a billion billion dollar industry. Nothing creates the euphoria as created by this single emotion. We just die to see some guy or girl discovering her 'true' love, falling into his/her arm and eventually living happily ever after. For someone as big as I am, believing or thinking like this is completely non-sense.. but then who cares. After all, few years back, I too had the image of this guy in my heart and mind. The thought came natural and went off natural. No issues with that!

Its aching to see, how much the world is wanted to be loved... how much we all desperately look for that face that smiles everytime it sees us... a shoulder that never denies us its support.... the arms that are always wide open... and the biggest thing - the ears that could hear our silence and do things that we want but never asked for. 

I don't know if love is a universal need as necessary as food and water.. since, I never saw people dying due to the scarcity of love... but who knows something dies in us but we never even get to realise that... after all, how does such a powerful phenomenon that drives the dreams of millions of people every moment fails to influence lives in real? Or if it is not true, why people hurt the ones they once upon a time loved.. or how do they brutally ignore the wishes and desires of those who love them, knowing that they are the only ones, from whom this is desired.

Complex... has to be, after all this is the matter of heart!!

For you partner... Happy V-day ;;)

As long as my dreams are always of you
As long as a couple means only two
As long as forever contains me and you
I'm thinking of you...

As long as the moon shines in your eyes
As long as faith will never die
As long as there's love between you and I
I'm thinking of you...

As long as our eyes meet in burning flame
As long as trust means 'no one's to blame'
As long as the hurt ends in no shame
I'm thinking of you...

As long as we survive as a pair
As long as I know that you'll always care
As long as love remains true and fair
I'm thinking of you...

As long as the calm follows the storm
As long as the need becomes well-worn
As long as I'm safe and left untorn
I'm thinking of you...

As long as your love keeps me from harm
As long as we're together, I'll always be warm
As long as I stay wrapped in your arms
I'm thinking of you...

"Be a girl with a great big smile 
Try and be jolly all the while 
If things go wrong, never look blue 
Smile and say, "Oh, I'll get through." 

The diary of a married woman

Like any other newly wed lady, I too am often asked 'Hows it going' and most of the times, people look so prepared with the answer, as if the life after marriage is so same for everybody. So, hows it?

I don't know! Really! Sometimes, it feels completely awesome, sometimes I doubt if I am even made for such a commitment, sometimes life seems so settled and full of love; some other times, you find others unnecessarily dragging your life to nowhere; sometimes you feel blessed, sometimes confused, sometimes angry, sometimes stupid, sometimes something else. I don't know, if one single process has ever made me or would ever make me experience such a huge range of emotions, simultaneously. All in all, its going good. 

All living beings look for a never ending source of love and care in their lives. Marriage, definitely serves as an instrument to help you discover that source. The feeling that you own somebody is nice, different and addictive. Addictive, because as the time passes it becomes difficult to share or get detached with that person. Marriage brings to you the chance to grow, to become better and responsible, to learn, to love, to share.. but at the same time, it makes you demanding, possessive, judgmental and inexpressive. 

One interesting observation in marriage, esp. relevant in arranged ones - does the love arise, because you are sleeping with that person. My answer : NO. Intense physical proximity could create infatuation that might last for few days, till the bubble pricks. After all, the moments you miss the most and make you long for the other one are the ones lived off the bed. Getting up in the morning and seeing a naive and innocent face, sleeping like a baby beside you, makes you fall in love for him more than what happened hours before you get up. Yeah! But that does not mean that post-marital love is not corporal - the smile on face; the eyes fixed on you, the fingers netted together, the random hug.. or just sitting side-by-side with hand on shoulder. Psycho-somatic :D

Another huge observation after marriage. Cooking! Men really do have a way to their heart through stomach. You cook good food or not, but a considerable time of your just-married life is spent on thinking about what to be cooked now, even if there's a cook working for you and an expert mother-in-law already taking care of everything happening in kitchen. And if you have a husband, who could cook, and thinks of himself as no less than a Master Chef, you are in a big shit. Even now, when I am writing this blog, I am thinking of going to market to buy some spinach... so that hubby dear could have palak-ki-daal, which of course I also like. Indians, even if they start living on moon, would still love to have a wife that could cook exotic menu for them, three times a day, day after day. Men may not accept this fact, but this is true - A wife, who cooks good food is loved more than the wife, who does not :(

Another change after marriage is that you grow big ears! Everyone advises. The prominent topics include developing patience, how to adjust better, family planning, managing home with career, getting early, or how to behave yourself after marriage. More pathetic - your own mom and dad, asking you to 'khayal rakho' of him! Wow Man You Are Lucky!

Now lets come on more serious stuff. Two people are living under the same roof and they both know that they are the wiser one and that the other person is very difficult to deal with and does not want to acknowledge other's mental superiority. Now what would you do. FIGHT for your RIGHT! Now this is a very sweet situation if happening on and off; but what if it happens every second day? What? Nothing... fight and keep fighting. Between two fights, you would get time to love and talk and crack jokes and shop and do all things that other people do. And yes, after fights, do not wait for your husband to come and manao you... he would NOT come! Remember - you are the wiser one and the husband is difficult to deal with and he would not acknowledge your mental superiority :P

Other thing that you have to do is to gel with a new family, make them a part of your life and become a part of their lives. In small nuclear families of our age, one member could take an entire family anywhere from heaven to hell. Gone are the days, when girls used to go to sasuraal after marriage. These days its more like a transfer programme - from one family to another - thats it. I see a huge change in the way people have increased their acceptability quotient for daughters-in-law. You are not really expected to behave in any peculiar fashion, except of whole-heartedly accepting your in-laws and genuinely becoming a part of them. At least, this is what I could assess from my new home. I am only expected to love them and in return their is loads and loads of love for me. Its a nice feeling, when you are accepted the way you are and not really required to change anything in  yourself unnecessarily. Fair enough!

So all in all, I could say.. getting married is not a bad thing.. if the equations get balanced. And yes, the reaction keeps happening all your life and you have to be very vigilant to keep the equation in balance. Any point of time, the moles on LHS and RHS may not match, fetching you in a huge trouble. The happiness of marriage depends on case to case and time to time. The same marriage might see all shades from black to white. But, one thing that has to remain constant is genuine love. I would not call it true love.. because I have never seen a true love. But genuine love definitely lasts. Love the person for what he is.. if you do, you would never show disrespect for him and someday, would definitely understand what goes in his head.. and perhaps the day you understand this, he would fall in true love with you!

That that you have been searching all your life, marriage 'sometimes' brings to your doorsteps.

पिंजरा तोड़ के उड़ जाना है ज़िन्दगी

किनारे से बार बार टकराना है ज़िन्दगी

लपलपाते दिए की तरह जलना हो तो भी जियो

क्योंकि तम में जगमगाना है ज़िन्दगी

आँख में ठहरे आंसू की तरह

कभी कभी ठहर जाना है ज़िन्दगी

तो कभी कभी तूफान बनके कहर ढाना है ज़िन्दगी

ज़िन्दगी ऊंचाई में है

ज़िन्दगी गहराई में है

ज़िन्दगी अच्छे बर्ताव में है

ज़िन्दगी उतार चड़ाव में है

कुछ नया बनाना है ज़िन्दगी

जो न चले उसे मिटाना है ज़िन्दगी

खुशियों को बाहें पसार बुलाना है ज़िन्दगी

और चाहे जैसा भी हो मौसम,

हर हाल में मुस्कुराना है ज़िन्दगी.

(Jan 4, 11)

मेरा अकेलापन मेरा दोस्त है,

वो मेरा साथ कभी नहीं छोड़ता

मरघट का सन्नाटा हो या,

दोस्तों की महफ़िल

वो हमेशा साथ ही रहता है

पर मैं उसकी दोस्त नहीं

धोका दिया उसे कई बार

छोड़ आई भरे बाजार में

सोच कर की छोटे बच्चे जैसा गुम जायेगा

पर वो सच्चे साथी सा वापस आता रहा

पालतू कुत्ते सा रट चुका है मेरे दिल के रास्ते को

वो रास्ता जो कभी किसी को दिखा नहीं,

क्यूँ उस कम्बखत को कभी भूला नहीं!